Finding My Way Home
"Anna, have you been blogging lately?"
Nope. I regretfully stopped blogging at the end of the year. I wrote a few posts and didn't publish them for 3 reasons:
The unpublished posts didn't reflect my true feelings about what I was experiencing
So often, I questioned why I was writing about these things and posting them online
I've been struggling... Finding a job. Feeling isolated working from home. Adjusting to life in my new state. Feeling good about myself and abilities. There have been several amazing and beautiful things too, but the struggles seem to have overshadowed the good.
So I am back; ready to write about the hard stuff, willing to be vulnerable, and stay true to the reason I started Unabashed, to share my truth.
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When we moved to Colorado, I was surprised with how well I was adjusting. (Minus bawling my eyes out when my parents left) The mountains, the people, the fresh start. Everything seemed promising. I was optimistic and ready to begin my job search while continuing to work part time for my MN employer. Then out of nowhere, the second guessing and doubt crept in.
Something most people don't know is the insecurity I have in my writing abilities. I believe this insecurity comes from my fears of criticism and failure, both of which started at a young age. Elementary and high school were really tough. Staying in from recess to practice flash cards as classmates walked past and being in the "red book group" AKA " the slow readers" are a few experiences that I allowed to tear down my self esteem. The feelings of not being good enough carried into high school where I struggled to get good grades and felt the need to lie when asked: "How did you do on the Algebra exam?"
College changed everything. The first semester, I received a 4.0. I had faith in myself and unwavering determination. It felt so good. One of my proudest moments was walking across the graduation stage with an honors medal around my neck. I proved to myself that I am capable. I am smart... and dang it, I can do whatever I set my mind to. However, I was unaware that I needed to remind myself of this of each day.
The insecurities and shame that I carry with me have been controlling my life. The job applications I submitted when we moved were not reflections of my talents and abilities.
When we second guess ourselves, nothing good seems to come from it: negativity, inauthenticity, and disappointment. Throughout these struggles I have had my bright moments. Moments where I've been able to clear my mind of the negative and steer towards the optimistic person I usually am. With the encouragement of my supportive family, loving fiancé, and the brilliant and revolutionary teachings of some new favorite authors, I am finding my way back home.
